I Hate Russia

the title speaks for itself.

Disclaimer:


This is the angriest I’ve ever been while writing something. It is unedited and was written in one long stream of consciousness session. I’m not sure whether there is even a thesis or conclusion in here, but I wanted the raw emotions to speak for themselves rather than scrutinize this piece to make it more intellectually appealing. Much of it is anecdotal, but this is my page and I reserve that right.

Anecdote: Americans love their country and hate anyone who disagrees. Russians hate their country and hate anyone who agrees.

I want to share a scene from a popular and financially successful Russian war movie called Stalingrad about (I'm sure you can guess).

Scene from the movie Stalingrad

The scene is filmed in a way reminiscent of 300: dramatic slow motion, highly contrasted colors, very stylized, and one of the most unrealistic things I've ever seen depicted in any movie. Dozens of soldiers continue to fight while on fire because they're just so brave and have that fighting spirit. Many Russians think this is what Russians at war actually look like. They buy into their own mythology. They eat up the patriotism and heroism. Anyone with even half a brain sees how utterly ludicrous it is, but if you desperately want to believe in a narrative, you buy it.

If asked at the current moment which country is a bigger threat to world stability, Russia or the US, I'd likely say the US. But today, we're talking about Russia. It's necessary to say up front that I am a hypocrite. It is easy to call me out on contradictions and double standards. Nine times out of ten, I believe myself to be a free speech absolutist, but whenever I see low-effort memes or YouTube videos or "hot takes" that don't align with my beliefs on the subject of Ukraine and Russia, I lose my shit.

I see memes from right-wing acquaintances painting Zelenskyy as a begging warmonger who wants to bleed the US dry of money and keep the war going indefinitely. When did Americans become so fucking stupid? What is their understanding of the historical context of not just Russia- Ukraine relations but Russia’s relations with its former colonial territories as a whole? What do they think the causes of the war were? They know there is a war at the very least, and they are angry the US is sending supplies to Ukraine, but what is their actual comprehension of the causes and consequences? Do they think that if Ukraine put down its arms, Russia would just say, "My bad, G. We were only fighting because you kept fighting. We'll just leave now." I'm not being facetious here, either. I'd like one of those people who watched Trump and Vance's ambush meeting with Zelenskyy and walked away thinking it was an epic win for the US to explain their thought process to me.

When I had only just made a Substack account, some Korean pervert claiming to be an author caught my attention with a truly heinous post about how he likes going to Russia because he read Chekhov once and plans to go back because he likes Russian pussy. Why even pretend to like Chekhov? Just admit it's the pussy. Adding the bit about literature somehow makes you come off as more of a sleaze.

Even before the war, Russia had long attracted sex perverts and people who pretended to be interested in the country because of its literature. In this guy's case, I brought up if he was morally okay with going to a country that is actively engaged in trying to erase the identity of an entire people (Ukrainians), committing daily terror attacks with drones and missiles on civilian infrastructure, forcibly kidnapping thousands of children and sending them to Russia, disproportionally sending ethnic minorities to die at the front and murdering and arresting journalists who don't tow the party line.

In such cases, the response I usually receive is along the lines of “Oh, I try not to pay attention to politics.” Must be nice.

In this dude’s case, what is worse, if he considered all that and didn’t care, or if he didn’t consider any of that at all?

The number of people I’ve met all over the world who have told me they want to or plan to visit Russia is staggering. What is it about Russia that makes them look past all the genocidal evil it is doing to compel them to want to visit this place?

I won’t absolve myself of naivete or poor decision-making. I mentioned being a hypocrite for a reason, after all. Perhaps the reasons Russia appealed to me as a young man are just as deserving of vitriolic criticism and verbal abuse. I’m willing to accept that.

The community I grew up in is pretty boring and static. It's a typical small city where everyone knows one another, nothing changes, and nobody leaves its confines. As an adult, I became interested in learning languages. I didn't place Russian literature on a higher pedestal than any other literature; I love reading in general. I'm (mostly) not a sex pervert. I think Russia's appeal stemmed from it being the mythical "other." More than that, I was interested in Russia's former colonies and myriad of nationalities more than Russia itself. The easiest way to explore said places was to get integrated into the sphere of Russian studies because "Chechen Studies" and "Buryat Studies" don't exist, at least not at any of the universities I went to.

My first time in Russia was as an exchange student in Saint Petersburg in 2012. After the initial excitement of being somewhere new and living among different people than I was used to, Russia’s plethora of problems became abundant.

I lived in Russia for four years: one year in Saint Petersburg, two years in Volgograd teaching English, and one year in Moscow for graduate school. After Russia I have since lived in both Ukraine and Kazakhstan. I have spent extensive time in Georgia, Armenia, Latvia, Estonia, Uzbekistan, and Kyrgyzstan.

My graduate program was via Middlebury College. I did two summers at Middlebury in Vermont and one academic year in Moscow at the Higher School of Economics and Russian State University for the Humanities. I received an MA in Russian Language and Literature with a dissertation on the topic of problems of instability and security in the North Caucasus. There is very little I am good at or know about. Still, when it comes to things relating to Russian history, the language, geopolitics, and international relations, I don't hesitate to say I'm an expert (or as close to one as possible), which is why it infuriates me to no end to get involved in debates from weird sycophantic Russia apologists.

Since Trump came into office and the ongoing war in Ukraine, a truly bizarre thing has happened. America's far-right and pockets of the far-left (tankies) have come together in thinking Russia is based. The far right likes Russia because Trump likes Russia. They see a country that is vehemently homophobic and xenophobic and claims to stand for traditional Christian values and has a strongman autocratic leader, and that's what they think making America great again should look like.

Tankie leftists like Russia because to them, anything that is the antagonist to NATO/the West/the US is inherently good because the US is the epitome of all evil-doing and they don’t understand two things can be true at the same time. I'm not here to argue about what is worse, Russia or the US. Valid points could be made for either. The difference is Russia doesn't get anywhere near the same level of scrutiny the US does. It’s full of apologists and people ready to jump to its defense. People who are vehemently against racism and homophobia and ethnic cleansing always seem to find an excuse for why it’s okay when Russia does it. That’s why pointing out Russia’s evil doings and atrocities is of utmost importance.

Arguing with tankies is a lot more difficult than arguing with right-wingers because even if tankies' conclusions are wrong, at least they've read books and know the bare minimum of world history. In contrast, right-wingers base all of their ideals on being reactionary and vibes.

As mentioned earlier, tankies view Russia as justified in its war against Ukraine because they see the US and NATO at the root of it. Their tired justification is, "Well, if NATO hadn't encroached closer and closer to Russia, Russia never would have been forced to aggressively invade a sovereign country to defend itself. See? In their eyes, Russia's war is a defensive one. Russia, seeing NATO closing in on its borders, is constantly under threat, so any time it feels like it wants to invade another country, it's justified! Countries like Ukraine and Georgia, do they have any right to exist and have a semblance of self-determination? Nah, fuck them, Russia feels threatened.

Tankies really like the USSR because they like socialism. Look, I’m mostly into socialism as well. I agree with nearly all of its tenets. Despite being a nihilist, I am much more politically left than right, but tankies take their ideology to religious, dogmatic levels where any criticism of a socialist regime is deemed a sin. It's brainwashing in a way that's truly staggering. Because they want to believe in said tenets so vehemently, they either deny that atrocities have occurred under the name of a socialist state, or they find ways to justify them. These same, very anti-racist people who (rightfully) condemn violence against Palestinians and the American genocide of Native Americans are very silent when it comes to Russia's atrocities against various ethnic groups (Circassians, Chechens, Kazakhs, Ukrainians, etc.). Again, when the USSR did it, it was okay.

If you were to ask a tankie how Russia ended up becoming the largest country on Earth, I genuinely don’t know what answer they’d provide. Do they assume Russia just came into existence as big as it currently is? Do they believe it was all achieved without the mass slaughter of indigenous populations and forced assimilation?

I can't speak for all states in the US, but in California, we had a (mostly) balanced (yet light on content and nuance) depiction of the history of our country. Our textbooks in school did not whitewash the atrocities committed by the US government. The Trail of Tears, the general treatment and slaughter of Native Americans, the internment of Japanese American citizens during World War Two, segregation, it was all there, and at no point did the text try to justify these actions in favor of US society or sugarcoat it. One of the things lacking was historical context, but the facts were there. I'm sure there are history textbooks in different states that paint a different picture, a more positive portrayal of the US. Likely, they depict every decision and act of war or aggression in a light that is patriotic or necessary. Manifest destiny? The will of God.

I bring this up because, in Russia, there are no alternative texts. Russia has no reflecting on its past and current atrocities. They are ignored. The average Russian doesn't even deny the atrocities committed by their country; they likely never even heard of them. In school, every student learns a very skewed version of history. Do Russian history textbooks describe the genocides and population transfers that went along with conquering the Caucasus? No. It's unlikely the average Russian has ever even heard of the Circassian genocide. Do Russian textbooks describe that before Germany invaded the USSR, those two countries signed the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact in which, as partners, the two invaded and divided Poland amongst themselves? Of course not. What about the forced population transfers of Chechens and Ingush peoples that resulted in thousands of deaths and their homes being repopulated by Russians? While in Volgograd, I got into an argument with a Russian colleague who denied such events ever occurred, even when I showed her Russian-language sources backing up said claims. She also denied the Katyn massacre, in which the USSR murdered over 20,000 Poles and blamed it on the Germans. These facts, by the way, can be found in Russian archives and were admitted by the Russian government itself, but when enough people deny it, it's easy to make up a new narrative. Somehow, the Russians who revealed the truth about this were likely manipulated by the US, Obama, George Soros, the Jews, and my uncle Bob.

Do Russian textbooks talk about how, for centuries, the Tsars and the USSR both tried to suppress the Ukrainian language and sent people to prison just for writing in it?

Once, I got in a debate with my tankie friend who was offended that I enjoyed the movie The Death of Stalin because how dare one critique or find humor in the mocking of the beloved God Emperor. He had a justification for each and every one of Stalin's crimes.

With the same friend, I asked him about Holodomor, the man-made mass famine that saw the deaths of millions of Ukrainians. Initially, he said it never happened, but within the same conversation, he then said it was justified because it was against bourgeoisie landowners standing in the way of Soviet progress. See, they always have an answer. So, every single one of those millions was a wealthy landowner? Give me a break. Around the same time, a forced famine took place in Kazakhstan, where, once more, over a million people were killed.

Whether it's imperial Russia, the USSR, or the modern Russian Federation, Russia is great at removing indigenous populations, whether by forced transfers to different realms or death and replacing previous inhabitants with Slavic Russians.

These people are impossible to argue with because they treat Stalin and the USSR and socialism like a religion. Their mind is made up. You can pull up sources in both English and Russian and use the fact that you've lived in Russia, Ukraine, and Kazakhstan and have visited nearly every post-Soviet country and have interviewed experts in the field, but they always win because they like Stalin and read one book which supports their ideology and their one book trumps your sources because they said so. (I’d like to know which book they’re reading by the way.)

I’d like to share excerpts from an outrageously funny and poignant book called How to Tankie written by one Darth Putin KGB.

In this current confrontation, it is vital you, the tankie, understand that Russia is the victim. It is simply defending itself against an aggressive West. As the Kremlin (who is always truthful) frequently states, the West seeks three things. Firstly, to contain Russia, presumably within its own borders. The idea that Russia should be contained within Russia is as ludicrous as it is imperialist. Secondly, the West seeks to break Russia apart. This is because Russia is too rich in natural resources. Thirdly, jealous. The fact that Russia can make its own "sovereign decisions", for itself and also for other countries too, makes the West jealous…….the West is engaged in a plot to break Russia into several mutually loathing, nuclear armed states each run by a madman. They wish to do this out of jealousy, as has been said, and also to rob Russia of her natural resources which the West either already has, can get from someone else, or will soon no longer need, but also for the massive benefit of catastrophic instability along Europe's borders and the subsequent flood of refugees. Thus, it is undeniable: all opposition to the Kremlin in Russia is either in league with, or a direct proxy of, the West and its desire to destroy Russia…

…..Only the West does bad things. Only the West is imperialist. Only the West invades countries for made-up reasons. Russia has never invaded any country in history.

The Russian Federation as it exists today was birthed onto the world as the planet's largest country as an act of God. On those occasions when the Russian military has entered other countries, it has been a "Special Military Operation," or they have "been invited in by the legitimate authorities.",,,,

Russia’s neighbors frequently attack Russia. They often do this just as Russia’s army is massed peacefully on their border in attack formation, forcing Russia to defend itself en masse in that neighboring country.

I could go on sharing the entire book, but I recommend you read it for yourselves. It's equal parts funny and insanely frustrating.

When studying in Moscow, I took a class called “внешняя политика России/Russian Foreign Policy. It was comical how the professor conducting the lecture could have been straight out of that above-mentioned book. She mentioned how Russia has never started a war, and the young Russian students taught early on about their glorious history and how Russia has never been wrong or committed atrocities, write it down with no reason to believe she's feeding them bullshit.

Here is a list of Russian aggressive invasions or atrocities (it is not exhaustive).

1. The Circassian Genocide-the systematic mass killing, ethnic cleansing, and forced displacement of between 95% and 97% of the Circassian people during the final stages of the Russian invasion of Circassia in the 19th century.^[15][16][17] It resulted in the deaths of between 1,000,000 and 1.5 million and the destruction of Circassia, which was then annexed by the Russian Empire.

2. The Winter War began with a Soviet invasion of Finland on 30 November 1939, three months after the outbreak of World War II, and ended three and a half months later with the Moscow Peace Treaty on 13 March 1940. Despite superior military strength, especially in tanks and aircraft, the Soviet Union suffered severe losses and initially made little headway. The League of Nations deemed the attack illegal and expelled the Soviet Union from its organization.

3. Soviet Invasion of Poland-a military conflict by the Soviet Union without a formal declaration of war. On 17 September 1939, the Soviet Union invaded Poland from the east, 16 days after Nazi Germany invaded Poland from the west. Subsequent military operations lasted for the following 20 days and ended on 6 October 1939 with the two-way division and annexation of the entire territory of the Second Polish Republic by Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union. This division is sometimes called the Fourth Partition of Poland. The Soviet (as well as German) invasion of Poland was indirectly indicated in the "secret protocol" of the Molotov–Ribbentrop Pact signed on 23 August 1939, which divided Poland into "spheres of influence" of the two powers. German and Soviet cooperation in the invasion of Poland has been described as co-belligerence.

4. Katyn Massacre-a series of mass executions of nearly 22,000 Polish military and police officers, border guards, and intelligentsia prisoners of war carried out by the Soviet Union, specifically the NKVD (the Soviet secret police), at Joseph Stalin's order in April and May 1940. Though the killings also occurred in the Kalinin and Kharkiv NKVD prisons and elsewhere, the massacre is named after the Katyn forest, where some of the mass graves were first discovered by Nazi German forces in 1943.

5. Hungarian Revolution-(23 October – 4 November 1956; Hungarian: 1956-os forradalom), also known as the Hungarian Uprising, was an attempted countrywide revolution against the government of the Hungarian People's Republic (1949–1989) and the policies caused by the government's subordination to the Soviet Union (USSR). The uprising lasted 15 days before being crushed by Soviet tanks and troops on 7 November 1956 (outside of Budapest firefights lasted until at least 12 November 1956).Thousands were killed or wounded, and nearly a quarter of a million Hungarians fled the country.

6. Invasion of Czechoslovakia-the Czechoslovak Socialist Republic was jointly invaded by four fellow Warsaw Pact countries: the Soviet Union, the Polish People's Republic, the People's Republic of Bulgaria, and the Hungarian People's Republic. The invasion stopped Alexander Dubček's Prague Spring liberalisation reforms and strengthened the authoritarian wing of the Communist Party of Czechoslovakia (KSČ).

7. Soviet-Afghan War-The Soviet–Afghan War was an armed conflict that took place in the Democratic Republic of Afghanistan from December 1979 to February 1989. Marking the beginning of the 46-year-long Afghan conflict, it saw the Soviet Union and the Afghan military fight against the rebelling Afghan mujahideen, aided by Pakistan. While they were backed by various countries and organizations, the majority of the mujahideen's support came from Pakistan, the United States (as part of Operation Cyclone), the United Kingdom, China, Iran, and the Arab states of the Persian Gulf, in addition to a large influx of foreign fighters known as the Afghan Arabs. American and British involvement on the side of the mujahideen escalated the Cold War, ending a short period of relaxed Soviet Union–United States relations. Combat took place throughout the 1980s, mostly in the Afghan countryside, as most of the country's cities remained under Soviet control. The conflict resulted in the deaths of one to three million Afghans, while millions more fled from the country as refugees; most externally displaced Afghans sought refuge in Pakistan and in Iran. Between 6.5 and 11.5% of Afghanistan's erstwhile population of 13.5 million people (per the 1979 census) is estimated to have been killed over the course of the Soviet–Afghan War. The decade-long confrontation between the mujahideen and the Soviet and Afghan militaries inflicted grave destruction throughout Afghanistan and has also been cited by scholars as a significant factor that contributed to the dissolution of the Soviet Union in 1991; it is for this reason that the conflict is sometimes referred to as "the Soviet Union's Vietnam" in retrospective analyses.

There's the First Chechen War, its sequel, the Russo-Georgian War, the war in Syria, and the current war in Ukraine. As I said, the list is not exhaustive.

Russia isn't just good at invading neighboring countries; it's a master at killing journalists.

The dangers to journalists in Russia have been known since the early 1990s, but concern over the number of unsolved killings soared after Anna Politkovskaya's murder in Moscow on 7 October 2006. While international monitors mentioned a dozen deaths, some sources within Russia talked of over two hundred fatalities.

On 7 October 2006, Russian journalist, writer and human rights activist Anna Politkovskaya was shot dead in the elevator of her apartment block in central Moscow. She was known for her opposition to the Second Chechen War and criticism of Russian President Vladimir Putin. The recipient of several international awards for her work, she authored Putin's Russia as well as several books about the Chechen conflict. Her assassination, which occurred on Vladimir Putin's birthday, sparked a strong international reaction. Three Chechens were arrested for the murder, but were acquitted. The verdict was overturned by the Supreme Court of Russia, and new trials were held. In total, six people were convicted of charges related to her death.

In short, if human rights violations and invading your sovereign neighbors are your cup of tea, then Russia is your place.

The first time I went to Ukraine was in 2012 while studying in Saint Petersburg. Upon telling some Russian acquaintances I was taking a trip to Kyiv, one woman responded with, "I hate Ukrainians; they're all bastards."

I asked her why she thought so. Her response was, “They don’t like Russians.” So I asked the follow-up question, “Okay, they don’t like you, but why don’t you like them?” She merely repeated, “They don’t like Russians, so they are bastards.”

While working in Volgograd, a young Russian man I was on friendly terms with decided to enter university in the Czech Republic. I asked him what he thought of the country. His answer was verbatim to what the woman above said. I asked him why he thought Czechs didn't like Russians, and he genuinely did not know.

Russians often have a hard time understanding why their neighboring countries don’t like them. Russians are obsessed with their image on the world stage. On the one hand, they are the perpetual victim the entire world wants to invade. On the other hand, they are the strongest country on Earth who won World War Two singlehandedly, saved the world, were the first in space, and invented everything from televisions to computers to radios to the atomic bomb.

Russians think their neighboring countries don't like them due to some weird conspiracy of Russophobia, but never stopped to consider it's because Russia constantly invades these countries, meddles in their affairs, and refuses them the right to any form of self-determination. Russians see the Baltic states and Georgia and Ukraine as buffer zones that they aren't only allowed to meddle in but have the unique right to. The idea of Estonia or Latvia wanting to look to the West and break away from Russian influence is the ultimate sin.

It's hard to talk about this without sounding like a Western jingoist, but seeing as Latvia, Estonia, Georgia, and Ukraine know exactly what it's like to live under the Russian yoke, of course they want to be aligned with someone else. Whether Latvia wants to be aligned with Russia or NATO or with neither is ultimately its own choice, and that's the end of that.

During Soviet times, the USSR repressed all other languages and made Russian the dominant language. This may cause some confusion because anyone listening to the Russian narrative of things will hear, "Ukraine started the war when they were oppressing Russian speakers in the East of the country (same tactic and justification Hitler used by the way when he annexed Czechoslovakia, said they were oppressing Germans)." But a Ukrainian speaking Russian doesn't make said person Russian. Millions of Ukrainians speak Russian because the Ukrainian language was suppressed, and all education and business were conducted in Russian. Millions of Kazakhs speak Russian because they were colonized, but that does not mean they are Russian.

Who's watching White Lotus season three? It's really good. Before filming, Serbian actor Miloš Biković was fired due to his pro-Russia stance. A lot of people complained online, and HBO didn't want to face any backlash, so they replaced him with a less controversial actor. More recently, Anora won Best Picture. The movie features actors from Russia, and large segments are entirely in Russian. I liked the movie. I've seen Ukrainian social media pages very upset by this movie. It is not my place to tell them what they can or cannot be upset by. I don't see the movie as pro-Russia, but perhaps a movie not being anti-Russia is pro-Russia? I don't know. When the war first started, I hated all Russians, even those protesting, because I believed they weren't doing enough. I no longer feel this way. I still read Russian books and watch some Russian media, but I draw the line at openly pro-Putin Russians.

As mentioned earlier, I went to Middlebury College. It was an amazing experience. I was fortunate enough to participate in three different programs: the Italian and Japanese summer schools and the Russian graduate program. Anyone familiar with Middlebury will know there is a language pledge, and the use of English (or one's native language) is strictly prohibited, and the pledge is enforced.

As with anything related to Russian studies, a lot of the courses relate to literature (Dostoevsky, Chekhov, Bulgakov, the usual suspects). There are also linguistic courses, classes about verbal aspect (a nightmare), philosophy classes, and history classes. Do you know what kind of classes they don't have? Any relating to ethnic relations, nationalities on the margins, courses about the hundreds of indigenous peoples that make up the Russian Federation. Russian studies and Dostoevsky go hand in hand. I get it, but how many dissertations can one really listen to about Dostoevsky? During the symposium in which I defended my thesis, almost every dissertation was about Russian literature. Nothing was said that hasn't already been said a thousand times over. I had an incredibly difficult time with my arbitrarily assigned thesis advisor because she knew next to nothing about my topic of instability in the North Caucasus and didn't want to touch it.

Why am I complaining anyway about Russian lit being taught in a Russian program? Isn't that silly? Maybe, but it perpetuates this idea of Russia as this monolith; the myriad of other cultures don't exist and aren't relevant, and that's exactly what Russia has been trying to do since its imperial days.

Russia loves the idea of the inaccessible, inscrutable Russian Soul, a country and a people nobody could ever understand, and therefore, said country and people get a free pass for awful behavior and atrocities. It's our fault for not understanding.

What's the solution to a problem like Russia? A country where students only learn propaganda that paints their country in the best possible light and lets its citizens believe the entire world is out to get them? What's there to do with a government that murders journalists, imprisons political opponents, enables Ramzan Kadyrov to run concentration camps for homosexuals in Chechnya, and bans YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and other popular social media outlets? Would a country on the right side of history go to such severe methods to censor dissenting voices and allow its citizens access to information?

Why is Putin so obsessed with Ukraine? Is it really because he wants to protect the poor, oppressed Russian-speaking community in the east? I'm no brilliant scholar here, but it seems much more likely that Putin saw a country overthrow their Kremlin-backed president. That same country then had an opposition candidate not just run for president, but win. It spat in the face of everything Putin has been making his country believe for over two decades. He's shown Russians they have no other option than to endure with their autocratic, corrupt government, whereas Ukraine showed that's not the case, an alternative is possible.

The Russian playbook is to call every enemy they have a fascist. I don't think the average Russian even knows what that word means at this point, but for them, it's a synonym for "Not Russian," so, therefore, Ukrainians, Estonians, and Georgians are all fascists. I've also heard many tankies refer to Ukrainians as fascists, mention the Azov Battalion, and act like this one battalion represents the entire Ukrainian nation. Thanks for playing into Putin's playbook. Let's just overlook Russia's long history of Neo-Nazis, because it's Ukraine who are the fascists. Let's overlook all the military propaganda at Russian schools that starts with children as young as six. Let's turn a blind eye to the Russian youth organization Nashi, which bears a striking resemblance to the Hitler Youth.

The tankie says, "Russia has a right to defend itself," so therefore, its invasion of Ukraine is justified. What about Ukraine's right to defend itself? What about Georgia's? Does that mean every fucking country that borders Russia just has to submit because Russia feels entitled to rule over these countries? I hate to use this abused internet phrase but make it make sense. Why does Russia not get the same level of scrutiny as the US or other Western imperial powers? Why do we tend to always use kid gloves when talking about Russia?

When the full-scale invasion of Ukraine started in February 2022, I was working late at night on my computer. I was in a state of shock, thinking about my beloved Ukrainian friends whom I had just left less than two months prior. I shared stories on my Instagram of Ukrainian cities and airports being bombed. Some of my best Russian friends responded saying "Ukraine isn't being bombed; it's fake." Or "Ukrainians are bombing themselves and trying to make it look like Russia is doing it."

Eventually, when it became impossible to deny that war was one, they reverted to saying, "I'm Russian, so I support my government." I lost ninety percent of my Russian friends that night. I didn't have the energy to argue with them. My heart was with my Ukrainian friends who were being attacked and having their families torn apart.

Early into the war, when Ukrainian forces drove Russians out of the regions surrounding Kyiv, they discovered what had happened in Bucha. The Russian troops murdered nearly 500 civilians. Of course the Russian government denied it and came up with every excuse in the book to explain how it wasn't them. Not long after, some Russians started wearing shirts with slogans along the lines of 'I'm not ashamed" in reference to the massacre.

Russian acquaintances whom I hadn’t yet blocked posted articles about how Ukrainians posting pictures of dead Russians as a means to break the Russian will to fight was a human rights violation and against the Geneva Convention (which it very well may be), but they had absolutely nothing to say regarding the Bucha Massacre.

I felt betrayed by my Russian friends. People I’d made strong bonds with. People who, for all intents and purposes, were kind and giving. But they crossed a moral boundary. It breaks my heart knowing I’ll never see these people again.

Russia, failing to capture Kyiv in three days, has resorted to almost exclusively bombing civilian infrastructure. When they aren’t bombing apartment blocks, schools, or hospitals, they are bombing power grids. They want to break the Ukrainian spirit. These are terror attacks, plain and simple. But some dickhead from Ohio thinks it’s Zelenskyy who is the warmonger.

I feel sick living in a world where the US turns its back on Ukraine and kowtows to dictators like Putin. I truly envy the people who don't give a shit because it's something far away and has no relevance to their day-to-day life. What an amazing privilege that must be.

I feel sick watching useful idiots like Tucker Carlton go to Moscow and rave about how amazing it is. Yes, Moscow is amazing. It's huge and has impressive, imposing buildings and a famously clean and luxurious metro. Do you know why that is? Because nearly 90% of the funds of the entire fucking country go to Moscow while the rest of the country is utterly neglected. Russia, ever obsessed with image, needs its capital to be mighty and imposing. Capital cities in autocratic countries often do this. Some peasant from a provincial town with no means or intentions to travel abroad will go to Moscow and think, "I may live in a hut without electricity or running water, but look how mighty our capital is; we truly are a great country." Putin also understands that most foreign tourists coming to Russia won't go far beyond Moscow or Saint Petersburg, so it's greatly beneficial when imbeciles like Tucker visit only Moscow and talk about how wonderful and clean Russia is.

Go to literally any provincial city in Russia, and it looks ten times worse than a bombed-out city in Ukraine. There are towns where houses are literally sinking into the Earth, and people are living inside them. Many of these people will still think Putin is great and has their interests at heart. Truly an astounding level of brainwashing.

There’s so much I wanted to see in Russia. I never got to visit Siberia or the far east. I saw much of the Caucasus but not all of it. I never got to lay eyes on the mountains of Altai. I never will. So long as Russia commits genocide against its neighbors and isn’t held accountable, so long as this mentality enables this Russian way of running things to exist, and so long as Russia doesn’t admit to its past crimes, I refuse to return this country I dedicated a large part of my life to.

If, after all of that, it still isn't clear why I get vehemently angry at people who think it's cool to visit Russia, then I have nothing to say to you.

*Edited to add several more pages related to the history of the Circassians.

Remember when Trump said he’d end the war in 24 hours? Whatever happened there…