Red and Black I Dress Eagle on My Chest

The Story of the Great Albano-Japanese War

By David Low

EPIDEMIC

Two girls in Shinjuku are being interviewed by a popular YouTuber. This YouTuber is, like many, gathering views by asking basic questions that the algorithms gain traction from: What should foreigners never do in Japan? Would you date a foreigner? What traits do Japanese girls like in men? Do you think Japanese people are kind to foreigners? Is it true Japanese woman often cheat on their man?

            The young, trendy YouTuber has asked these basic questions to two girls. Both are dressed in cute accessories and shoes with raised soles to give height to their short stature. Both also have the trendy orange eye shadow. One is masked.

YouTuber: What do you think of Gjon Dovolani?

            Both girls erupt into giggling fits, covering their faces with their hands as they laugh.

Girl in Mask: He’s so hot, isn’t he?

Girl w/o Mask: He is! He’s so cute. When I first saw his photo, I thought he is so sexy.

YouTuber: What is sexy about him?

Girl w/o Mask: His hair.

Girl in Mask: Definitely his hair. He kind of looks like Timothee Chalamet.

            This elicits more giggles from the two.

Girl in Mask: Like a dangerous Timothee Chalamet. He’s got great hair and nice eyes. He has soft features and pale skin, kind of like a woman, but there is something dark and dangerous about him.

Girl w/o Mask: I’d let him kidnap me!

            The three gasp. The girls walk away giggling.

            Similar videos can be found on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube.

On the island nation the name Gjon Dovolani has become the most searched item for two weeks in a row. The second most searched item being Albanian men and Gheg coming in third.

            Yumiko Hasegawa runs a fan-page devoted blog to Gjon Dovolani, featuring candid photos, snippets of conversations, and any information one could get their hands on, which was easier said than done. All that was publicly known about the man was that he dropped out of school at fourteen, smuggled himself into England and worked as a roofer for a couple of years in places like Preston and Lancaster. He was deported at twenty-one and sent back to Albania. During a Balkan Peace Conference in Kosovo, second daughter of the Crown Prince and Crown Princess of Japan Princess Kako of Akishino attended the opening ceremony for the Kosovo School for the Deaf, founded by the Japanese Federation of the Deaf.

            If you look at the photo of Princess Kako of Akishino here, her eyes divert down and to the left. The entire time she was looking straight at the center of the crowd, not diverting attention or giving preference to any individual over another. It’s only here that she looks distracted. Any girl would know, princess or not, this is the look of a woman in love. Enraptured. Now if you scan back, you see a sea of the back of peoples’ heads. They kind of blend in together, but if you look closely, the back of this head has the fluffy, semi-curled hair of Gjon Dovolani. Also look at the angle of the head, you can basically draw a straight line connecting him with Princess Kako’s line of sight…

            Hasegawa’s blog tends to be more famous for its comments section than the content of the pieces she writes.

neko-ne-kokoro1

Does anyone know what kind of girls he likes? There are no pictures of his past girlfriends. Why doesn’t Hasegawa share anything about his dating history? Is she trying to hog him all for herself? What a selfish cow!

Slave_to_Dovolani-sama

Princess Kako isn’t even hot. She’s so fugly and boring lol. I bet he will get bored of her and give her back. God he’s so hot. I want to save myself for him! I wish I could be kidnapped! Hasegawa is such a dumb bitch lol.

Miss.Yukako

Yesterday I took a walk in my city, and do you know what I noticed? Not a single restaurant or café here is halal. I yelled at the employees at Coco Ichibanya for not having any halal options. If we could provide halal food, we’d increase our chances of attracting Albanian men like Dovolani to come to us. My parents say I’m not allowed to travel to Albania. I want to kill myself.

            In the weeks that follow the kidnapping of Princess Kako, Dovolani’s popularity among Japanese women only increases. Blogs similar to Hasegawa’s suggest that, royalty or not, a girl as plain as the Princess could never attract the attention of such a heartthrob as Dovolani and it must’ve been an inside job. Social media posts back up this sentiment, that the Albanian was paid to take her. Since the kidnapping, no ransom or list of demands have been issued. Dovolani has been silent.

Takashi Yamamoto and his wife Sasaki meet with Detective Fujimoto, the man handling the missing person’s case of their daughter. The Yamamotos immediately take a dislike to his standoffish demeanor and air of superiority. A trait more and more common in young, hothead police officers.

Detective Fujimoto: Tell me about your daughter.

Mr. Yamamoto: We’ve already told you everything. Don’t you have this information?

Detective Fujimoto: I don’t mean her age or blood type or where she graduated. Yes, that’s all clear. Tell me about her character. Where did she go in her free time? What kind of people did she associate herself with?

Mr. Yamamoto: What do you mean?

Mrs. Yamamoto: Oh, don’t be so difficult. Our Mitsuko is a very studious girl. She was always top of her class. She works very hard. She works at a designer clothing store part-time.

Detective Fujimoto: I see. Are you familiar with Rena Yamaguchi?

Mrs. Yamamoto: Our daughter has brought her up. They met at the store.

Detective Fujimoto: Would you call the two of them friends?

Mr. Yamamoto: I don’t care for that girl. She’s a bad influence.

Mrs. Yamamoto: Mitsuko is an adult. She can decide for herself who she wants to spend time with.

Mr. Yamamoto: Sure, let’s just encourage her to go to Host Clubs with her reputable friends, then.

Detective Fujimoto: Ah, so you’re aware then that your daughter frequented such places.

Mrs. Yamamoto: So? It’s not illegal.

Detective Fujimoto: No, it certainly isn’t, but I just wanted to make sure we’re all on the same page. It will make this next piece of information easier to digest. Your daughter and her friend often went to Host Clubs. They loved the male attention. Did you know your daughter also spent nearly half her savings on hiring a boyfriend-for-rent?

            The Yamamotos are silent. Mr. Yamamoto fidgets in his chair and grabs the material of his trousers so as not to make a fist.

Detective Fujimoto: We spoke at length with Rena Yamaguchi. It seems she’s changed her tune about your daughter. A month ago, your daughter called things off with her rent-a-boyfriend. With encouragement from Ms. Yamaguchi, she signed up for a new service, a very new one. Have you heard of Gheg Dating?

            The Yamamotos shake their heads.

Detective Fujimoto: It’s a new phenomenon. Japanese women sign up for a membership either online or via an app. They create a profile with information and photos of themselves. The next step is to describe their dream man— his features, demeanor, character, etc. The final step is for them to describe their fears and phobias and…finally…the things they are afraid to admit turn them on. You see, all the men on this site are Albanian. The women who sign up don’t know in advance what the man they’ve been matched with looks like or even what his name is, only that he's Albanian. These men then have a three-week to five-week window…

Mr. Yamamoto: A window to do what?

Detective Fujimoto: A window to kidnap the woman.

            Mr. Yamamoto stands up, sending his chair crashing to the floor and smacking the wall behind him. The detective retains his composure and gestures for Mr. Yamamoto to do the same.

Detective Fujimoto: Rena Yamaguchi explained it all to us. Women are signing up for this service in the hopes of getting kidnapped by the Albanian man of their dreams. In one month over 16,000 women from Kanto alone signed up for this service.

Mrs. Yamamoto: Are you telling me our daughter has been kidnapped?

            The detective nods in affirmation.

Detective Fujimoto: This greatly upset Ms. Yamaguchi. The two signed up at the same time and listed the exact same traits in their Albanian dream man. Ms. Yamaguchi couldn’t believe your daughter was kidnapped before she was.

            In the two months that followed the Princess’ kidnapping and the month following the inception of Gheg Dating, over 4,000 Japanese women went missing, presumably kidnapped by Albanian men.

CONFLICT

Dear Vice President Dick Cheney,


            Did you like the care package? If it is not to your liking, we send another one. We hope you like the Medal of Honor we dutifully replicated and sent you, but if it’s not big enough, we send another. We can also send you Purple Heart. We know malicious lies that you received deferment five times to not serve in Vietnam War, but this is only cover to hide fact that you were crucial soldier in this time. We will spread truth to the world. Tell us how big you want Medal of Honor to be. In our capital city — Tirana — we have street named in honor of George W. Bush, so trust us when we say it is only matter of time when we have our largest avenue named after you. We never forget the shotgun you gifted us. We took it upon ourselves to take DNA from your weapon and run it through a series of tests in our state laboratories. It is public knowledge you are descended of French, Irish, and Welsh blood. But did you know you are actually Albanian? You are in good company Mr. Dick. From Dua Lipa to Alexander the Great, from Mother Teresa to Nikola Tesla, Jim Belushi and even John Belushi and probably John F. Kennedy, most important influential persons in world history were Albanian. Before Rome and Greece and even Babylon, there was Albania. Albania, at a glance, may seem like small country. Its population is no more than 3 million. But, as with the Armenians, whose diaspora numbers abroad far outweighs the number in the homeland, it is the same with we Albanians. If you counted every Albanian on Earth and elsewhere, there are more of us than there are Chinese people. You are counted among us! Now, let me speak from my heart. As you know, we are on verge of a holy war. Every day our scientists and soldiers conduct new, innovative ways to defeat our enemy. It is not doubt we will win, but we request the aid of such powerful, influential man as yourself. Please send us only five billion dollars so we can finish this war. That will be exactly enough to implement our plans.


Your ever loyal and true fan and future friend,

Major General Arben Kingji

            Kōichi Kido holds the intercepted letter in his hand, having read it out loud several times. At 32 years old, he is the youngest advisor to Prime Minister Shigeru Ishiba. Beyond that, his closeness to Emperor Naruhito is looked upon by his peers with both envy and scorn. Regardless of personal feelings, when he speaks, people listen. His official titles include: Minister of State for Policies Related to Children, Minister of State for Measures for Declining Birthrate, Minister of State for Youth’s Empowerment, Minister of State for Gender Equality, Minister of State for Measures for Loneliness and Isolation, Minister in charge of Women's Empowerment, and Minister in charge of Cohesive Society.

Minister of Defense Minoru: I don’t think we have anything to fear regarding the United States providing any sort of support to the Albanians. The U.S. pulling out of NATO was a stroke of luck, and I believe now is time for our decisive battle.

Minister Kido: Don’t be so sure of your conclusion just yet, Mr. Minoru. Former Vice President Cheney is a very formidable individual with connections to various mercenary and paramilitary groups. For all we know, the US’s exit from NATO is his chance to step up and supply Albania with the offensive capabilities they ask for.

Prime Minister Ishiba: Ministers, let’s not be hasty. Let’s remember, this is unprecedented. Our reaction will set a precedent for our nation going forward.

Minister of Education, Culture, Sports, and Science Anno: Japan hasn’t carried out an overseas offensive military operation in almost a century. Is there no other way to solve this crisis?

Minister of Defense Minoru: But it wouldn’t be an offensive campaign, but a defensive one, and therefore our forces are within their rights to carry out operations overseas. Read the letter! They already view this as a war.

Prime Minister Ishiba: Is that so?

Minister Kido: I feel it is my duty to remind you of the three conditions for the exercise of force by the SDF.

Minister Anno: Mr. Kido, I don’t think it’s the time or place for—

Minister Kido: If I may? Firstly, there must be an imminent and unjust invasion against Japan. Secondly, there must be no other proper means of defense. Lastly, force must be exercised to a minimum.

Minister Minoru: As someone as close to the Imperial Family as you, I would expect the opposite reaction, such as haste in getting the Princess back.

Minister Kido: My sincerest apologies, but you’ve misunderstood my intent. How many individuals or units must there be for it to be called an invasion? Nothing in our constitution stipulates this. With the advent of various dating apps, the Albanians have been flooding into our country and taking Japanese women. The fact that they signed up for the agency doesn’t change the fact that kidnapping is illegal, and thousands of such kidnappings have taken place within our borders by members of an aggressive state. Not to mention the illegal abduction of a member of the Imperial Family. Considering we don’t even know the names of the individuals involved, we can do little more than deport the Albanians currently on our shores, but that won’t stop them from finding other ways to get in. What about Albanians with UK passports? Or Italian passports? As noted in the letter to former VP Cheney, Albanians are everywhere. Who knows what their true numbers actually are. Lastly, Albania has a population of less than 3 million within the borders proper. Force will be kept to a minimum. Victory will be swift and decisive.  All three criteria for exercise of force are met.

Prime Minister Ishiba: What do you propose?

On 27 April, a combined Serbo-Japanese assault force launches invasions on Albania and Kosovo across multiple fronts. The 1^st and 2^nd Amphibious Rapid Deployment Regiments make landings along the Adriatic coast, supported by an artillery battalion. The naval component consists of one aircraft carrier, three light carriers, three destroyers, and one replenishment ship. Pre-dawn bombardments from ships and aircraft carrier fighter jets proceed the amphibious landings. From the east, the 63^rd Parachute Brigade of the Serbian Armed Forces is dropped into Pristina, while the 2^nd and 4^th Brigades, supported by elements from the Mixed Artillery Brigade, push into Kosovo.

            After two weeks of fighting the 63^rd Parachute Brigade suffers ninety percent casualties. Survivors are rounded up and sent to labor camps. Japan’s aircraft carrier is heavily damaged while three of its light carriers are sunk. The Japanese forces retreat to the home islands. The fate suffered by the Serbs is far worse. Unable to resupply their surrounded forces, they are decimated, with Albanian forces pushing forward and claiming Toplica and Jablanica as new territories of the Greater Kosovo-Albanian sphere of influence.

Mark Xhaka doesn’t know why he’s here. He is ordered to do something, and he sees it through, anything less would be unpatriotic. The bunker is one of nearly 800,000 built during the Hoxhaist government.

            Among the high ranking officials he recognizes are generals and shadowy figures he doesn’t. The only man out of place is an elderly Japanese who, all things considered, seems at ease given his current circumstances.

Mark: I thought Japs don’t surrender.

            The Japanese prisoner smiles and lights a cigarette.

General Kingji: This is Surgeon General Shiro Ishii.

            The reaction on Mark’s face is unchanging.

General Ishii: (in perfect Albanian) The young man doesn’t know who I am.

General Kingji: General Ishii was the director of Unit 731 during the Second World War. Unit 731 was responsible for the most heinous war crimes committed against civilians. Sick experimentations which yielded very little value…well…until… anyways. The Americans gave immunity to these bastards. The general here officially died in 1959, but it seems some of his experiments paid off. When the Japanese realized they couldn’t beat us using traditional methods, they went back to their old ways. Utilizing men like him and his methods.

            Mark lets the words sink in, not quite yet getting the big picture or the implications.

General Kingji: Unless you’re thick, you’ll have concluded that Ishii here has already used his experiments on our people. Our birth rate is declining. In 2022, there were ten births for every 1000 girls aged fifteen to nineteen. This decline is irreversible. Since the beginning of the war, it’s worsened exponentially. Only three births per every 1000 girls. Ishii has been behind this all along.

Mark: But that would mean the Japanese started aggressive acts of war long before the Princess agreed to be kidnapped by Dovolani.

            There is silence.

General Ishii: If you’ll allow me to take it from here. There was nothing personal in choosing Albania. I simply needed a testing ground small enough.

Mark: So you sterilized us.

General Ishii: No, not quite. Please don’t interrupt. As you know, Japan also has a declining birthrate. Anyway, sterilization was not my intent. Did you know when fetuses are still in the womb, they have the ability to access all of the memories of their mother and their mother’s mother and so on and so forth? When the baby is born all of this is lost and therefore we, until now, had no knowledge of this. Is it a fault of our own evolution that we cannot recall these memories after birth has taken place?

            During the Second World War, we discovered this accidentally. We performed lobotomies on over 100 pregnant women. Fascinating results. Every single one of them post-operation claimed they could hear their unborn fetuses talking to them. Initially we took it for the ramblings of post-lobotomized nutjobs, but these women were giving us details and information the average Manchurian illiterate peasant couldn’t possibly know. Further research was halted when the Soviets invaded Manchuria.

            I thought there must be a way to achieve the same results without having to individually and physically lobotomize pregnant women. In the interim, we experimented with bacteria-nanotech hybrids that, when attached to sleeping individuals, can translate their dream thoughts into legible texts. We were able to read peoples’ dreams, but no matter how many times we tried with pregnant women, we could not read the dreams of the fetuses…unless…

            As you’ve likely guessed, we reprogrammed the hybrids to not only interpret dreams, but to perform lobotomies on sleeping pregnant women. Post-lobotomy, they would send us real-time translations of the dialogue taking place inside the mothers between them and the fetuses.

            The fetuses were fully conscious and had full access to their ancestral memories. They could tell their mothers about their lineages, what their great-grandfathers had been like, what life centuries ago was like. Remarkably, the unborn fetuses, all on their own, decided existence was terrifying and wanted no part in it. Whether it was naturally occurring or a result of our hybrids, the fetuses were able to communicate telepathically with other fetuses across the country. They all shared their own desire not to be born. Not only did they abort themselves inside the womb, they were able to reach out to babies who had only just been conceived to un-conceive themselves. Before birth, every single fetus chose to be an anti-natalist and here we have it— the declining birthrate of Albania.

DRASTIC MEASURES

Ishii had surrendered himself to the Albanians not out of any desire to help their country win the war, but because he felt he could no longer grow as a scientist under the current Japanese regime. In exchange for full immunity, he agreed to help the Albanians with any requests they had. So far reversing the declining birthrate was proving to be impossible, which is why he suggested an alternative.

            Mark Xhaka was summoned due to the conclusion of the algorithm. The algorithm concluded, after scouring thousands and thousands of requests from Japanese women using Gheg Dating, that Mark possessed the most ideal Albanian features appealing to Japanese women. His task was simple: once smuggled onto Japanese shores, he would impregnate as many Japanese women as possible. During the war Albania had learned to be patient. No longer would they be focused on immediate results, but rather they’d be thinking in terms of centuries. Albania’s birth rate may be declining, but given enough time, Mark would help turn Japan’s population Albanian with his potent sperm and vivacious libido. Ishii added a little something of his own to Mark’s sperm— bacteria that would convince the unborn babies about the desire to experience birth and existence, therefore making them anti-anti-natalists.

Initially, Mark really liked getting women pregnant. He always wanted sons and particularly liked the idea of having sons in different countries of different races, but exhaustion was beginning to set in. In the beginning, he had no issue performing three to four times a day with just as many partners, but after impregnating his 300^th woman, all he could think was, to what end?

            I no longer care is his constant nagging thought. His desire no longer mattered. As the sole remaining Albanian in Japan, walking the streets at night from A to B is an ever-expanding minefield. Women chase after him in flocks and herds. Trying to enjoy a simple meal is a gamble, as once his identity is revealed, women (often girls who have been friends since childhood) tear each other apart to get their hands on him.

            How dull and predictable women are, give me the mountains and thermal waters of Peshkopi. How I yearn to see you again, my beautiful homeland.

            With his mind so preoccupied with thoughts of home and becoming celibate, he barely registers the fact that he’s grown sixty centimeters. The rest of him looks the same, but he’s sixty centimeters taller. What is this? At 188 centimeters, he was already a giant among the average Japanese citizens, but now?

            His extreme height does nothing to dissuade the women of Japan from chasing after him. If anything, it makes him a bigger target. With nowhere to hide, he resorts to wearing multiple hooded layers of clothing and remaining indoors as much as possible.

            In the following two weeks nothing changes other than his metabolism. No matter how much he eats, he cannot satiate his hunger. It’s at the beginning of the third week that concern creeps in. He wakes up to find he is now nearly four meters tall. No human has ever been this tall before, not even his uncle Agron.

            Initially, the Japanese populace runs from him in fear, but when the women realize who it is, they run to him, climbing on his back, hanging from his limbs like monkeys. It doesn’t matter that his penis no longer fits inside a human being, they claw at him like wild animals.

            So many women run after him it causes citywide disruption and riots. An extended police chase drives him out of town. The last he’s seen is when he dives into Tokyo Bay.

The war is in a stalemate. Neither side has made substantial gains. All that’s left is to discuss terms of peace. It has been a month since Mark dived into Tokyo Bay. Morning commuters make their way through the busy subway systems when Mark emerges from the sea. In his absence, the people of Japan gained a false sense of security, but that was all diminished when he reemerged at a height of 42 meters.

CONCLUSION

Tanks and attack helicopters and precision bombing prove completely ineffective against Mark. While he doesn’t seem to be actively trying to cause destruction, his size alone makes walking down any street a hostile act. As his growth caused him to tear out of his clothing, he is completely nude. Many blogs throughout Japan have commented on this.

            Every time he returns to the sea Japan and the world hold their breath, only guessing what new size he’ll emerge as. A week later he emerges at a height of 84 meters, with destruction to Japanese infrastructure being tenfold to what it was when he was a mere 42 meters. A week after that, he has grown to the mammoth size of 168 meters.

            With Japan’s failure to defeat the creature, the United States Airforce takes over operations. Despite massive protests in Japan and the rest of the world, the US concludes the only viable option is nuclear weapons.

            The B53 nuclear bomb is brought out of retirement and dropped on Mark in the city of Hiroshima. The yield is 9 megatons, with radiated heat causing lethal burns to all within a 32-kilometer radius of the epicenter. All above ground structures within a 14-kilometer radius are decimated. The Hiroshima Peace Memorial, the famous dome that survived the initial atomic bomb blast in 1945, is reduced to dust. The citizens and parks and walkways and museums and pets are vaporized. 700,000 people lose their lives from the initial blast. The only thing that has not been reduced to atoms is Mark, who emerges from the dust unscathed.

The Prime Minister and his advisors (now composed of not only political advisors, but the country’s top biologists and physicists) sit in silence after witnessing the bombing of Hiroshima and its failure to end the threat. Several ministers have already broken out various spirits and started drinking. Nobody objects. All eyes are on Doctor Ueda from Hokkaido University, the chief biologist advising the Prime Minister. He unrolls a printout with mathematical equations.

Dr. Ueda: In the beginning, the growth rates of the Albanian were unpredictable and didn’t follow any pattern or specific timeline. But, well, it seems once the Albanian cells causing growth spurts stabilized—starting with his emergence from Tokyo Bay—he doubled in size every week. This has remained consistent for the past month, and based on tissue samples collected from Hiroshima, there is no evidence to suggest a change in his growth patterns.

Prime Minister Ishiba: How long have we got?

Dr. Ueda: Based on the current timeline of doubling his size every week, in 22.5 weeks, Mark will be the size of the Earth. Even if we were able to miraculously build the world’s most powerful rockets before then that were able to carry his current weight and blast him into the cosmos, it wouldn’t matter. In 29.3 weeks, he’ll be the size of our sun. In 37 weeks, he’ll be the size of the solar system. In 68.6 weeks, just a little more than a year from now, Mark the Albanian will be the size of the Milky Way galaxy. It will go on and on. There’s no way to kill him. Nothing harms him. His cells have remarkable regrowth properties. Within a couple of years there will be an Albanian galactic supercluster.

Prime Minister Ishiba: That’s it then?

Dr. Ueda: That’s it.

THE UNIVERSE

When Mark consumes the Andromeda Galaxy, there is no one to cry for it. Just as the Milky Way was consumed and all within it. Earth and all its conflicts disappeared, never to be heard from again amongst the black cosmic sea.

            Mark never stops expanding. With each galaxy consumed, the makeup of space and time and physics is changed and mutilated. Before it was theorized that an ever-expanding universe would end in its heat death. Now even that is uncertain.

            When Mark extends past the previously reached extents of reality, he pushes even further, beyond the realms of where nothing has ever gone before. With Mark’s ever-changing physiology and compositions and dimensions, somewhere within all his immensity remains one single thought:

Red and black I dress

Eagle on my chest

Proud to be an Albanian