Jimmy Kills a Rapist

an American conspiracy

Oh, he’s such a nice young man, Mrs. Dolores thought, watching Jimmy across the street pull out of his driveway.

Mrs. Dolores sat on her front porch crocheting. She was thinking about making Jimmy a nice winter hat. It was true; it never got particularly cold by them, but she wanted to make him something nice regardless. She sat on the porch with the front door open so she could hear the television. Her husband was watching Gunsmoke.

“Jimmy is such a nice young man,” she said, with her back to the front door.

“What?” her husband yelled.

“I said Jimmy is such a nice young man. He’s got himself a date tonight. You know, that ex-wife of his was such a piece of work. She was just too dang liberal. It weren’t right. Now Jimmy, what a nice, handsome young man. I think he'll do just fine.

Jimmy was a nice young man from Utah who moved to Southern California with his now ex-wife. He did a stint in the Coast Guard before settling into a cozy accounting job. What a nice boy he was, Mrs. Dolores kept thinking to herself. She'd love to set him up with her niece Tiffany, but truth be told, Tiffany was a bit homely-looking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jimmy just knew he’d messed the whole thing up. He'd had so much bad luck recently, and ever since the divorce, he felt he'd never find a meaningful connection with a woman ever again. Charibel charmed him from the moment he laid eyes on her. But from the moment he opened his mouth, he felt he couldn't stop sabotaging himself. She loved animals, and Jimmy didn't know what to say to that. He thought he loved animals, too, but he was beginning to doubt that. He tried asking follow-up questions but kept falling short. He realized she was carrying most of the conversation, and that awareness made him nervous. She was still smiling and playing with her hair, which was a good sign, but any moment now, she'd say how it was getting late and she’d need to get going. He’d suggest meeting again, and she'd say yeah, of course; then he'd text her, and she'd never respond to him again.

“Look, there’s something I want to tell you,” she said.

“Oh God,” said Jimmy.

“What? No, it’s good. Just listen,” she said.

“This has been fun. I mean, I don’t know why it wouldn’t be, but I’ve had so many terrible dates on this app. So many freaks, you know?”

He didn’t know. Well, he did, and he didn't. This was only his third first date on the app, but it was the first time he wanted a second one.

“On paper, you seem kind of perfect,” she said. “What skeletons have you got in your closet? Maybe if you tell me now, it'll be easier to digest, and we can move past it."

Jimmy finished off his glass of wine. He didn’t typically drink. Back in Utah he’d had what one might call a drinking problem, but he was proudly six years sober until tonight.

“I’m a pretty boring guy,” he said.

“Oh, come on, even boring people have one dark secret. Go on and tell me."

Jimmy looked around. Nobody was listening in on them at the restaurant, but he figured he should proceed with caution.

“Look, I go to church, you know? I mean, I go sometimes. I donate to charity, I recycle, I vote. I don’t believe in violence.”

“But?”

“But,” he said, wishing he had more wine. “But sometimes, justice evades the scope of the law. If after I tell you what I tell you, I’ll understand if you never want to see me again, but I stand by what I did. I killed a rapist.”

“You killed a rapist?”

"I killed a rapist. It was a situation where I knew the law wasn't going to take care of it, so I took matters into my own hands. I couldn't let the rapist just get away with rape, so I killed the rapist."

“And you faced no jail time?”

“No,” he said.

“Fuck the rapist,” she said.

He helped her put her coat on and escorted her to her Uber.

“Look, I don’t kiss on the first date, but you can kiss me on the cheek,” she said.

Jimmy kissed her on the cheek.

“I’m free next Saturday,” she said. “Give me a call.”

Jimmy went home that night more elated than he’d been in months, even more so than when his harp had arrived. Jimmy turned on an episode of the Dan Carlin history podcast and fell asleep. He had never doubted his decision to kill the rapist, but now he could be openly proud of it; he drifted off to sleep, comforted and smiling when, OH SHIT, the kid!

He jumped out of bed and called his friend Manny. There was no answer. He kept calling.

“Jimmy, it’s two in the morning, what the fuck are you doing?”

"Oh, hi Manny, yeah, I know, sorry about that, I just really need your boat again."

“What?”

“Yeah, I'm just going to need to borrow your boat."

“The hell you are, go back to sleep.”

“No, wait, don’t hang up. I need your boat.”

"I'm so goddamn tired right now, whatever. I don't care; go take the boat and do whatever you gotta do.” He hung up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Earlier that morning Jimmy just couldn’t get his mind right. He was nervous about the upcoming date, and Manny told him to take his mind off it and spend the day at the beach. Even in summer the dang Pacific Ocean off the coast of southern California was absurdly cold. Flocks of tourists still came out in speedos and dived straight into the harsh waters. Jimmy didn't mind the boat, though; it was fun enough, but not as fun as the jet skis he saw racing past.

He loitered for a bit in the boat next to one of the platforms about two hundred yards from the shore. Kids loved to swim to these platforms, but it smelt like seal and was covered in bird shit. This day was mostly quiet. Jimmy was going to shut his eyes and try to take his mind off the upcoming date that evening when he heard a blood-curdling scream. Jimmy stood upright, looking for the source of the scream.

He saw several fins break through the surface of the water. There was a pod of dolphins around the platform. The long-beaked common type was often found in these parts. But where was the screaming coming from?

The scream continued, and Jimmy felt mad that only he could hear it because if those on the shore could, they'd immediately jut into action to provide aid. Jimmy jumped into the water. Without goggles, it was hard to make out, but he saw a tiny little dolphin, definitely a juvenile, being savagely raped by one of the largest dolphins in the pod. The poor little thing kept trying to swim away, but the bigger dolphin kept pulling it back so it could ravage the poor creature. Jimmy knew that besides man and bonobos, dolphins were one of the few mammals known to rape as a means of sadistic pleasure and to display power dominance.

The other dolphins merely floated and watched the whole thing unfold, neither stepping in nor condemning.

The perpetrator was a massive dolphin with what looked like a massive red birthmark going down the length of its head. Jimmy got in between the rapist and the juvenile and pushed the young one away.

"Swim, dammit, swim! Get out of here!"

The rapist did not take that sitting down. It used its giant beak and bit down hard on Jimmy's arm. It thrashed about, making a rag doll out of the man. The dolphin then pushed Jimmy up to the platform, which he used as leverage to hold himself up and stop the dolphin from pulling him underwater. The dolphin used its beak to pull his shorts down. Jimmy could hear the rest of the pod cheering encouragement from the sidelines. The massive beast tried to insert itself into Jimmy.

Jimmy wasn't going to go down without a fight. He had saved a life, and that was what mattered, but he'd punish this monster for what it had done. As the dolphin tried to get leverage, Jimmy used his elbows to smack the side of its face. That only made the mammal more aggressive. The dolphin kept biting at Jimmy’s neck and shoulders.

Jimmy managed to turn around and look the dolphin in the eyes. He took his thumbs and inserted them as deep as he could into the monster’s eyes. The dolphin trashed around and screamed, even as blood and goop started to flow forth from where its eyes had been. It thrashed wildly. Jimmy found its blowhole and shoved his fist down it. He dug and dug and opened his hand as wide as he could and scrambled the insides. The dolphin gave a final plea and then flipped upside down, dead. The rest of the dolphins swam off.

Jimmy tried to pull himself onto the platform but couldn’t find the strength. He just hung on and rested his head on the birdshit-stained platform. The sun burned down on his neck. He opened his eyes to see a little ginger boy on the platform. He couldn’t have been older than eight. How long had the little ginger been there?

The boy started screaming and crying.

“What are you doing?” said Jimmy.

“Murderer! Murderer! You killed Adonis! You killed Adonis! Help! Help!” screamed the child, pointing at Jimmy.

“Shhhhh, stop it! That dolphin was violating—”

“You killed Adonis! Somebody help!”

"Goddammit, kid!"

Jimmy grabbed the kid by the ankle and pulled him into the water.

“Help me! Help me!” yelled the child.

“Will you please be quiet? I don’t want to hurt you!” said Jimmy.

The kid wouldn't stop screaming. Eventually, someone on the shore would hear the ruckus. Jimmy did the only thing he could do and pushed the kid's head below the water. He left him there for about ten seconds before lifting him up.

The child resumed his screaming, so Jimmy had no choice but to push him under the water again.

“Will you please stop screaming?” Jimmy said.

The kid refused to stop screaming, so Jimmy dragged him to the boat and fled to Santa Cruz Island. The island was about thirty miles from the coast.

“Let me go!” the kid screamed.

“You have to calm down,” said Jimmy.

"You killed Adonis. Don't you know everyone loves Adonis? He's the most famous dolphin, and everyone loves him, and you killed him, and I'm going to tell everyone."

"Dammit, kid, that's why I'm taking you to the island. Couldn't you just keep your mouth shut?"

“What are you going to do to me?”

“Nothing! I’m not a criminal! I’m just going to take you to the island, leave you there, and come back tonight to pick you up once I figure out what to do next. I can’t have you going around telling people I killed a beloved dolphin. It didn’t go down like that. Couldn’t you just keep your mouth shut?”

“I’m going to tell my dad and I’m going to tell the police and the National Guard and the army.”

They reached the shore of the island just as the sun began to hang at noon. Jimmy had to yank the child off the boat.

"Look, just wait here. Don't move. Don't go exploring. There's nothing to do here anyway. Just wait here, be patient. I'm going to explain that the whole thing was a misunderstanding. Once the whole thing blows over, I'll come back for you.”

As Jimmy headed back to the mainland, he heard the little ginger screaming his head off.

Before his date that night, Jimmy checked every local news outlet he could. There were reports of Adonis, the beloved dolphin with the red birthmark, being violently killed, but for the time being, there was no indication anyone knew who the perpetrator was. Jimmy resented the child, making him feel guilty. Adonis was raping an innocent creature and was ready to rape Jimmy as well. Beloved tourist attraction or not, Jimmy did the right thing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, it was early morning, Jimmy had two glasses of wine in him, and he was back on the boat, speeding back to Santa Cruz Island to pick up the little ginger boy he'd left there.

He reached the shore. Everything was pitch black. The only population of the island were rangers. There was very little infrastructure to speak of. All the same, Jimmy didn’t want to attract too much attention.

He had told the boy to not move a muscle. Jimmy shined the flashlight from his phone to the spot where he left the boy. He had to stop himself from screaming. Right where he left the boy stood a child-sized skeleton. It had been stripped clean of all flesh and organs. However, patches of ginger hair remained at the skeleton's feet.

“No, no, no, nooooo fuck!” cried Jimmy.

How could this happen? I just told the little kid to stay here. Why?

“Hey, what’s going on down there?” came a voice from above.

Jimmy saw a ranger’s flashlight shining down on him. Jimmy got back into the boat and fled.

It turned out that Adonis was a local animal celebrity known for his playful nature and willingness to interact with locals and tourists at the beach who were lucky enough to encounter him. The news of his brutal death sent shockwaves throughout the community. People were comparing it to the Kennedy assassination and the death of Kobe Bryant.

The next morning at the office, everyone greeted him as usual. He had finished most of the important work and responded to the urgent emails over the weekend, so as he sat behind his computer, he looked up the local news. In addition to the death of Adonis, there were reports about a missing child, whose name was Connor Blake. There was no mention of a skeleton being found on Santa Cruz Island. Jimmy was about to breathe a sigh of relief and get to work when one link caught his eye. The headline was, Did a Local Man Murder a Dolphin and then Kidnap a Child?

Jimmy clicked. An extremely popular YouTube channel, the h3h6 channel, stated they had video evidence of a man murdering a dolphin and then kidnapping a child and would be premiering the video at six p.m. Pacific Time. The YouTube channel had nearly three million subscribers.

Jimmy sent an email to the channel's producer, waited five minutes, then sent another email, then a third. He looked everywhere but couldn't find a phone number to call. At two p.m., the producer responded, saying:

“We’d be happy to hear your side of the story, but our shows go forward as planned. The video will premier as scheduled. If you’d like, our secretary can get in touch with you to come on and do an interview next week, but we will not deviate from our planned scheduling.”

Jimmy could feel his life flashing before his eyes. This was it; he was absolutely done for. How did it come to this? He'd never committed a crime a day in his life. He never littered, always picked up trash he found on the floor, and never cursed in front of his parents. Why was he being punished for trying to help an innocent baby dolphin?

He got a text message from Charibel.

"Can you believe it? Some monster killed a poor, innocent dolphin. What kind of sick son of a bitch could do such a thing? Not only did they kill the poor thing, they seemed to have taken delight in it. The sick pervert gauged its eyes out before destroying its blowhole. I hope they find the guy and give him the electric chair. I can't even focus this morning. I'm so depressed."

I’ll just have to kill myself; that's it, then. I can take the boat and sail it out until I run out of fuel, dive into the ocean, and never emerge again. My ex was right all along. All I do is make things worse.

At that moment of absolute despair, Jimmy remembered a podcast he'd caught clips of a while back. It was a long shot, with only a few hours until the h3h6 podcast premiered its breaking story, but he was willing to accept a miracle if it would present itself.

He sent an email to the people behind the Tim Poole podcast explaining how his name was about to be besmirched by media outlets with an agenda. He was in possession of news so big it would shake up the entire country, but it was urgent that he needed to be allowed to speak on the program that very evening before h3h6 could air their hit piece.

To Jimmy’s absolute surprise, he got a response within five minutes, and Tim Poole would be happy to let him call in remotely and present his story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tim Poole: Guys, do we have a special program for you. Just today, we were contacted by a man, dare I say a hero, who is in the middle of some truly wild and un-American shit. I would give you a summary of what he told me, but I think it's only fair to let the man explain it himself. I'm telling you, it's one of the wildest things I've ever heard, and if you weren't wary of the deep state before, you will be now. Mr. James Dunnings, the floor is yours.

Jimmy: Thank you for having me on, Tim. I was really nervous about coming on here, but I think something like this is more important than my own personal comfort and safety. You see, this all started back when I was in the Coast Guard.

Tim Poole: A true American hero.

Jimmy: Thank you. You see, the Coast Guard taught me vigilance. I started to pick up patterns. Did you see that article recently about how marine biologists captured humpback whales mating for the very first time? Their mating had never been caught on camera before, but that's not even the remarkable part. The remarkable part is that it was two male whales. What if I were to tell you I've been seeing extreme cases of homosexuality in whales and dolphins over the past three years? You see, the deep state is using chemical warfare to turn populations gay. It didn't work on animals like mice or rabbits; they didn't have the brain capacity, so they've been testing it on whales and dolphins, who are quite intelligent as far as animals go.

But it gets so much worse than that. A lot of these chemicals used to turn animals gay are the very same the Mexican drug cartels have been using in their synthesized narcotics. The cartels have been using these gay dolphins to smuggle drugs into the US.

Tim Poole: And you brought this information to the Coast Guard.

Jimmy: Yes, I did.

Tim Poole: Then what happened?

Jimmy: They let me go and told me to keep my mouth shut. They said if I ever said a word about this, they’d send me to Guantanamo Bay.

Tim Poole: That's what I keep saying; the deep state has inserted itself into every facet of our society, even our most cherished institutions like the armed forces.

Jimmy: It gets so much worse. Have you heard of the Hollow Island Theory?

Tim Poole: Yeah, for sure.

Jimmy: Well, for those who haven't, nearly every island in the Channel Island archipelago is completely hollow. This started during the Clinton administration. It's where the elites have their pedophile rings. But did you know that the pedophilia they practice isn't purely for perverse, un-Christian gratification; it's even more nefarious. They're creating chimeras down there. Can you believe this? Demonic animal-human hybrids, but it only works with pre-pubescent children. The intercourse is all part of the demonic ritual.

Recently, the chemically infused dolphins sent here by Mexico have been co-opted by the elites to track down suitable candidates. Did you hear about the missing kid from yesterday?

Tim Poole: Yeah, I did hear something about that.

Jimmy: Well, I was there when the dolphins tried to take him. I managed to get him into my boat just in time and take him up the coast to drop him off to safety on the shore. I hope he's okay. You never know; these elites have eyes in the sky, perfect bird's eye views. You notice how you never see baby pigeons? That's because pigeons are liberal spy drones. Together with the dolphins, these spy drones are looking for suitable kids to take to the Channel Islands.

Tim Poole: After hearing all this, I think we’re all thinking the same thing.

Jimmy: Reptilians?

Tim Poole: Absolutely.

Jimmy: One hundred percent. They play a role in this. In fact, Reptilians were crucial in getting D.E.I. off the ground. You see, Reptilians thrive on destroying our institutions. They’ve gotten a lot better at hiding themselves, which makes it hard to determine who among us is one of them. In the past, they had to stand in certain positions to keep the illusion going. If they moved at a certain angle or moved their head in a manner normal to humans but unnatural to them, their true essence would be visible for a brief moment.

Tim Poole: Look, don't take this the wrong way. I'm not racist. Everyone knows that but why is it that most Reptilians take the forms of Jewish people. Is it because Jews themselves are closer to reptiles than people?

Jimmy: I can’t answer that one. I don’t like to put the conspiracy hat on, so I’ll leave that one to the experts.

Tim Poole: So what does the deep state want? What are the elites trying to do here?

Jimmy: They want to turn America into a freedom-hating communist country like England or Canada. My plea to the American people is to open your eyes. Look for the signs. Stay away from the beach. Stop feeding pigeons. Those Easter Island statues? Look closely; you'll be shocked by what you see.

Tim Poole: You've heard it here, folks. Look, Mr. Dunnings, if you aren't running for office, then let me instill that idea in your head, I think you should definitely consider it. Our country needs more patriots like you willing to speak the hard truths.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day, Jimmy joined a local patriotic militia and a troupe of Boy Scouts and filmed a series of videos using various semi-automatic, fully automatic, and high-grade explosives to wipe out a pod of dolphins. At that moment, Jimmy was a hero.